8/31/2020 10:19 PM

Fuck it up ladies. I don't care anymore. I just drank a huge fucking dose of Kratom. Maybe it's working. Maybe I feel it. Litty fucking Litterson my dudes. I can't take it anymore. I haven't eaten in like two days. I'm so proud of myself. Like genuinely really proud. These fucking COCKS keep telling me to Oooohh why dont you eat something I will not I refuse to you're gay you're gayer than the gayest person alive.

I wanna talk to an argentinian he barely knows english. i guess i could get better better at spanish. He seems fun!!! But honestly I'm fucking over that little faggy boy. I don't care anymore.

he's one of thsoe compulsive liars who just lie so they don't get into the slightest bit of conflict. pretty much everything they say is a lie. also he's borderline pedoshit so i don't. really care at all. I do it nice. Cool. Sexy.

I think he can be a weirdo faggot with his UK boy all he wants. I mean, their relationship is legitimately in scrambles. So I don't really care. I love Mt. I love him so much. I'm in love with too many god damn people. I love WC guy he's so perfect too. I'll kiss them. One day i'm gonna kiss them. Just gotta get thin.

thinspo this is such a crucial moment I need you more than anything in this world. 188 lbs now. I lost my way since quarantine started. I need to go back. By december I need to be skinny.

7/30/2020 10:51 AM

my friend was kind enough to remember this existed. thanks qwert. i owe you one girlie. so updates on my life i suppose is what i should start talking about. it's shit...but a very beautiful shit. i don't know how else to explain it.

i dropped out of college, first of all. i didn't have enough from student aid hahahaha i might as well just start working my ass off with part times or hell even full times and start saving up to head to mexico. i'm moving there, no matter what. that's the plan. my dad is hesitant of letting me stay with my relatives. i mean...it's just until i have enough for an apartment and a job, yknow. nothing permanent at all. i'm thinking of returning to college in mexico if i have enough money for it. i heard their art schools are really good.

oh yeah, also. i started playing more video games. video games, video games, ahhh they're so lovely. i think i'm happier this way. it makes my mom really upset that i turned out like this but i wasn't born to impress anyone. i'm sorry i'm a disappointment though. really sorry. i'll try better in the next life i suppose.

i have a psychs appointment soon. it's a new doctor, unsure if i've touched on that before. i'm going to ask that doctor about getting on lyrica. i'm on gabapentin already so it shouldn't be that hard to just ask for the switch, yknow? i doubt he'd be very hesitant of the idea at all. i had a friend tell me that lyrica is something you can basically just ask for. i'm excited about it. once i move though, i'm gonna just be getting my prescriptions through the pharmacy. i gotta learn more about how to do that. in the meantime, my spanish is super rusty so i'm definitely gonna have to work on that. and i mean REALLY work on it. i'm gonna ask my friend to try and teach me some things (even though colombian spanish isn't the same as mexican spanish) but i feel the difference isn't too big that people would just notice. i mean...there's a bunch of people from other latino countries in mexico sooo... we'll see. maybe i'll just end up speaking like a colombiano!! hahahaha.

well, i'll see you guys later. i'm surprised so many people have been on my page without me updating...but thank you all. stay tuned, neocities!!

6/16/2020 7:04 AM

i remember trying to be kind to you trying to be courteous to you. I wanted to make you feel better in any way I could, even if it was just talking to you after a long day. But afterwards, what do you go and do? You out of the blue just stop acknowledging I exist.

You keep saying that you told me you didn't want to talk It was a lie it was such a fucking lie because you didn't you literally never told me straight out. You kept it to yourself the whole fucking time.

I remember you telling me you were missing your friends. Let me guess, was it the ones that left you? I understand how that feels, too fucking well. It hurts so badly. We're the same in that regard. So then, why do you act as though you're above me. You talked down to me. You ganged up on me. And I didn't want to interrupt because I respected you and I didn't want your feelings to go unrecognized and kept in the dust. But so many things from that hurt me, along with more things you did directly to me.

Why did you talk down to me and then bring it to feeling sorry about yourself. Saying it feels so terrible for you to do this. It should have felt terrible, because you were hurting me even more. You felt guilt, but I guess not anymore.

Why in the hell were you talking about me in private so much. I dont care that "you never want to put me down" that doesnt mean you dont do it. What makes you think I'd just be okay with someone that I tried my hardest to help suddenly turn against me and talk about me to people that I may not even fucking know.

For what reason did you try and do damage control immediately after, trying to convince people that it wasn't you trying to be harsh. To prove innocence or something? To show that you were in the right? You told me to be a better example but what does that mean?!! why is it my job to set an Example for a server you want nothing to do with.

What reason did you say that off hand weird remark about me when i was being friendly in another server that had nothing to do with you only so you could ban me and ban anyone that talked about me despite it all. Did you feel cool doing it? Did it make you feel better about yourself? Happier, prideful even?

Why do you do these cold and cruel things to me? What the hell did I ever even do to you. I would never just toy with you and hurt you, as much as my friends want me to. Did you do it to regain power after what's happened to you? Doing what your old friends did to you? Did you want to understand them better? In the end, all that happened was this.

I get that you don't like talking about your issues personally, thinking that you make others uncomfortable. But you'd never make me uncomfortable with that. I wanted to help since the beginning but I can't even do that. I just wanted to be friendly to you. I wanted to say nice things to you, do nice things with you. But instead all I got was all of this.

I hope you know your guilt is for a reason.

i love you. and i wish we could be together again

6/12/2020 9:53 PM

hello, neocities. today. i held a trial for myself. what kind of trial this was relates directly to my eating disorder. so if that kind of talk pains you, please skip this entry. but i held a test for myself. my family had ordered pizza and asked for me to join in on dinner. of course, i refused. but i felt that wasn't enough. the guilt that was eating away at me just was not quenched. i myself was not satisfied. was it me? or was it someone else entirely. either way, i genuinely don't care who urged me to do this but i feel it was successful. in that kitchen, i forced myself to ignore the food that i usually would really enjoy and simply walk to the cupboard. from that cupboard, i took a single mug, filled it up with boiling water, and brewed two bags of black tea in it. i forced myself to stand there, wander in circles there, sit there. anything was allowed as long as i did not so much as touch that food. i brewed my tea and drank it. the flavor was bitter. it barely tasted like tea or even a blend of flavors included with a tea. what i tasted was nothing but dirt. disgusting filth, as icky as a young child would call it trying it for the first time. i had no issues with tea before but why was this one so utterly hard to gulp down? the taste became worse and worse as i took gulps and gulps of it. i had brewed it strong for no reason at all, yet unsatisfied with even that excuse i swallowed it up anyways. it felt like the water was coal trying to cleanse me of my sins of...gluttony? sloth?

arguably, my weight would not even be my fault. if this were a perfect me i would simply have been done at denouncing the antipsychotics that brought me to this situation. but that was not enough. it wasn't ever enough; it will never be enough! even if my words seem too dramatic, it all felt real. whether delusion, wordplay, or if i truly was drinking a black sludge that wanted nothing more than my sin to be realized, none of that mattered. the guilt and shame had entered my body when i at first felt this trial would grant me strength and resolve. so i could prove that control over myself exists. so that i could prove that i was more than a brainless scrap of meat that only works on impulses and primitive desires. many centuries have passed! i have no need for such desires now!

i gulped down two of the supplement pills my mother had bought. ah, placebo. you're such a dull hope yet at times you glow ever so brightly. but strangely, they felt stuck in my throat. i knew for sure they were not. yet it beckoned me to cough up and vomit everything inside me. of course, i would not purge the lesson that has been engraved in me. accepting that sludge was more or less accepting the consequences for my actions as a reckless idiotic teenager who had no desire for appearances. i was an adult now and appearances are everything, aren't they?

it has gotten worse. my goal is no longer a "normal bmi". i simply want to shoot lower. 18 perhaps? maybe even 17. oh a little under 17 never hurt anybody. my mind wants to break my body. a scarless form of self harm that i can also use to test my tolerance for pain. today, my chest had a very throbbing pain. it was as if i were stabbed yet nothing was there. i continued to calm myself and say that it would pass but the anxiety in me still managed to take hold for a bit. i can't give up. not when i'm this far in. just by calculating the littlest of things, it's likely i would reach an underweight status around august. hell, considering the supplements and adhd drugs i'm taking, i may even say less so! but for now, i know what i'm going to do. i no longer need food. water is fine for me. i will continue to study art, continue to experience wonderful media that i had missed out on, and continue striving for new heights within myself. i don't want to be a failure or a disappointment. so, dear god, why will nobody ever tell me "that's enough?"

6/7/2020 12:27 AM

how about we restart? hahaha, hi neocities. sorry i've been neglecting you for a little bit. i barely had any energy in my body and nothing very exciting has happened, at least in my eyes. if you're wondering where my posts went, no worries, i'm deciding that when it gets a bit too long i'll be archiving my old page and adding newer entries. keep it clean, yknow. the archives are gonna be held in the 2nd tab, so don't be afraid to check. gwahahaha. anyways, where was i. oh yes! i'm almost done watching akagi, and i finally finished the question arcs of umineko....oh my goodness, i cannot stress it enough. PLEASE READ UMINEKO!!! genuinely one of my favorite things. i also HAVE to recommend higurashi as well. um, basically there's this guy from instagram that really annoys me. he loves me and worships me, says that i'm the only one keeping his life together and blah blah blah. he keeps calling me babe, but i don't like him. i'm single, it's not like we're dating. but he seems to enjoy pretending that we are...ugh, annoying. another asexual artist that i knew back when, barely even matters now. yet he keeps messaging and messaging me. what a confusing barrage it is. i have my eyes set on someone else, sorry.

i want to go back to playing fighting games btw!! they're sooooooo much fun for me. i like doing combos and learning new characters and everything. i'm thinking of making melty blood my game of choice. it's a very fun 2D anime fighter, based on tsukihime. i genuinely think its a huge part of me in a way, haha. but i guess im done here for now neocities. seeya!


none for now!!

in the future...?

goals and info

GW: 160 or lower

do more art studies

get a new psych (i actually need one)

18 years old. i'm technically a girl.

FRIEND SHRINES!! archive (6/7/2020)

nothing here right now, gwe gwe.